Solitude
by Angel Leviathan
Summary: We explore for a reason, we fight back for a reason. Sometimes I thought it was curiosity, fear. But its not.


**Title:** Solitude

**Author:** Angel Leviathan (timeboundpythia)

**Spoilers:** None.

**Season:** 2

**Disclaimer:** Stargate Atlantis, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine.

**Notes:** Fic spawned by the lines 'Nobody's at fault, everyone just wanted to be loved. Solitude was all we feared. That's why I wont be beaten!' said by Himeno (the Pretear) in the final episode of the anime 'Pretear'. I just thought the lines were actually quite true of people in general.

* * *

She was sat perched on the top of the steps that led toward the 'Gate, the lights in the command centre dimmed and area bathed in a gentle glow for the night. Elizabeth had been sitting there for a good couple of hours, moving only to refill her coffee mug and occasionally wander slowly though the control room. Her staff knew she wasn't checking on them, were actually quite used to her presence during the early hours of the morning, even if it left them a little concerned for her health. She rarely spoke, and if she did, it was usually with a tired smile and an encouraging word, an apology for keeping them up on watch all night. Elizabeth sat hunched over, as if she could somehow make herself smaller and invisible, glaring down at the Stargate. Frowning at it, she didn't move as someone sat beside her. 

"I think we can pretty safely say that its not going to activate, no matter how long you stare at it," John began.

She didn't answer him, not in the mood for his jokes or gentle sarcasm.

"You should get some sleep," he tried, leaning back, offering the statement only as advice, not chastisement.

"Later," Elizabeth replied.

He sighed, "I can either sit here trying to figure out what's going on in that head of yours and keep bugging you about it, or I can go. I wont be offended either way, but if you want to talk, there's me sitting here and if you don't, well, one of us should get some sleep."

She looked across at him, "I've finally figured out why we do all this."

John frowned, "I thought it fell somewhere between exploration and not wanting to get our asses kicked."

She stared straight ahead, "Its neither. Well, its both, but neither are the reason we do this. We explore for a reason, we fight back for a reason. Sometimes I thought it was curiosity, fear. But its not."

"Enlighten me?"

Elizabeth glared down at the 'Gate, features set in severe lines, "…Its because we don't want to be alone."

He wasn't quite sure how to respond. So he followed her gaze to the 'Gate, rather shocked that she was glaring at it with such intensity that could almost be taken for hated. She would have every right to hate the metal ring, he supposed, he often felt the same. No matter how many wonders they could see by stepping through it, no matter how many miracles they brought back, it never made up for those lost through the wormhole. Or horrors it threw at them.

She glanced at him again, searching expression on her face, "Why do you fight back when people attack you?"

John blinked, "Because if I didn't, people would die. People I care about would be at greater risk. Because the other guys would win, they're the enemy and they intend to harm the people I'm supposed to protect."

She tilted her head, "And if you would continue if you had nothing to fight for?"

"Yeah."

"So you would continue if everyone you loved on Earth was gone, if everyone here was dead, Atlantis was destroyed? It was just you and nobody else-"

He was a little disturbed by the tone of her voice, "Elizabeth, what is this about?"

"I'm trying to prove a point."

"You're-"

"Answer me the question, John. Please," she continued, "If it was just you left. Nobody to protect, nobody to fight for, no reason to go on; would you?"

He looked away and down at the 'Gate, "…I don't know…" he admitted.

"You see it in films. The hero who has lost everything and supposedly has no reason to go on. But they do. Because they hope they can make new ties and find new people to love, even if they say they don't. But what if there was nobody? No chance, no hope…nobody…" Elizabeth trailed off, "…I'll be honest. I wouldn't go on. I couldn't."

"I'll be honest and say you're kinda scaring me here…"

She shook her head, "I'm not about to go throw myself in the ocean or anything, John, like I said, I'm trying to prove a point about humanity."

"That we do everything we do because we don't want to be alone?" John questioned.

"Not everything. Just a great deal of things."

"So we came to Atlantis because we didn't want to be alone?"

A slight smile crossed her face, "Yes."

"I thought we came here to explore a new galaxy, learn about our past and all that," he shrugged, deliberately playing dumb for a moment.

"Why do we explore?" Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.

"…To learn what we don't know. To find new questions. To find new challenges. To meet new people."

"There you go."

"There I go, what?"

"To meet new people."

"Oh come on-"

"You said it!" at his disbelieving look, she continued, "Why did we go to the moon?"

"To prove it could be done!"

"Then why do we transmit messages through space if we don't want to find somebody else out there? To prove we aren't alone in the galaxy?"

"We aren't alone in the galaxy!" John shot back.

"We know that now. Because we wanted to find out and we went out into the galaxy and looked for people to make contact with."

"And to find new places and new technology-"

"Made by other people-" she countered.

"And to explore the universe!"

She smiled and sighed, "Alright, John, then why did people first launch sailing ships around the world? Bound for America?"

"To see what was there," he stubbornly answered.

"To see who was there."

"We're a naturally inquisitive race, whether others are involved or not," John nodded.

Elizabeth shook her head, "Alright. On a more superficial level. Why do people wear make-up, have to wear the latest fashions, want to accumulate as much wealth as they can?"

"Because its something to do. Everyone else does it. To fit in," he shrugged.

"So they aren't rejected by society, by others?" she prompted.

"I guess so."

"Because people are afraid of being alone."

"'Money can't buy happiness'," he stated.

"But it can buy you the presence of other people."

"Who're there because you've got lots of stuff."

"Does it matter? People don't care about that. As long as people are with them, for whatever reason, they can be content. Half the time they know they're buying people off. It doesn't stop them. What would be the point in having all that money, all those things, if nobody was going to take notice? And say you did live alone in a giant mansion. You would be watching people on TV and listening to people through music and radio," she shrugged and returned to staring at the 'Gate.

He was silent for a few seconds, "Hermits."

"Hermits?"

"Those guys who live alone in caves."

"Stereotypical view, but okay."

"They want to live alone," John smiled slightly.

"A fair point. But they have lived with people and will want to be remembered and missed. Why go and live so obviously alone like that unless you want somebody to try and offer you company?"

"You're impossible," he exhaled in defeat.

"I'm not arguing with you, John, I'm just stating an opinion."

"You make it sound like I couldn't argue my way out of a paper bag!"

"Now we both know that's not true," Elizabeth smiled, "I'm just stating a theory. Why fight if there's nobody left to fight for? Why buy a house, why go to a bar, why go to university or work if you want to be truly alone? People get scared when they lose everything because they think it means they will lose everybody around them too. People fight to make sure they wont ever be alone. Everybody wants to get on in life because of the people they will meet, because of the people they want to make proud, people to love and live life with. If you were truly alone, there would be no point in living. The greatest fear is that of being utterly alone," her expression sobered as she looked back at the 'Gate again, "…When we lose people, we mourn the loss of somebody we love, whether its family, friends, even just acquaintances, we mourn them and we miss them…but there's the terrifying underlying fear that one day we're going to be all alone. That we wont have a reason to go on," her voice was soft as she finished and she closed her eyes for a long moment before looking back at him, "Argue me that. Tell me I'm wrong. And if you believe that, then fair enough. But answer me honestly."

John was silent. He could have been stubborn and questioned her reasoning, but he didn't. Because he couldn't…and didn't want to…if only because it would make him seem less human.

**Fin**


End file.
